;

I could not fathom how unstable I feel at the moment;

I have never wanted something before as much as I wanted this.

I mean, I need this.

I badly want it, need it.

But if it really is for me, then so be it.

But if not, I hope it still is.

 

The art of destroying one’s self;

We all become the person we once hated;

It’s kinda deceiving how our thoughts work.

We pray for the things we thought could make us happy;

Or even love people whom we thought could make us believe in fairytales.

Or sadly, wish to travel to places we thought could make us run away from the things we hate, from the people who makes us sad, from everything that is tearing us apart.

But it’s not the way it is, and it will never work that way.

Because we are all trapped in the concept of merely vanishing without even fixing the mess we made.

It’s crazy.

I mean, it makes me crazy.

It’s  so crazy how powerful our mind can be.

It controls us, from our hallucinations to our delusions to our fantasies to our realities.

It’s capacity of endowming us to change.

Just like how I once hated the taste of alcohol;

how I despise the scent of cigarette;

how I severely disgust lust;

how passionate I am with the things I like and the people I love.

But with a flip of a coin, it revolved.

I love every drop of the alcohol and how it makes me feel;

I relish every smoke that goes into my lungs everytime I puff the cigarette;

I yearn for that pain and pleasure everybody else wanted;

I am slowly taking everything for granted;

Even wasted my chances and let go of the things I liked and the people I loved.

That’s how powerful our minds could get.

With every intoxication of alcohol,

With every hit of cigarette,

With every pleasure,

I ask myself, ‘is this really what you wanted?

or ‘is this really what you thought you needed?

That query breaks me.

Because with all fucking honesty, I don’t know

but I want to know-

The art of destroying one’s self.

 

 

We are all somebody’s heartbreak;

IMG_2799

We are all somebody’s heartbreak,

That eternally crushes the insides of a mortal being.

The angina pectoris one experiences from the moment reality snaps into our faces saying;

‘We can never be.’

A four word sentence that creates a thousand words; even millions of pin prick pain that stabs us.

‘There was never an us.’

A five word sentence that suffocates our hope of having someone whom we thought was something real.

‘I do not love you anymore.’

A six word sentence that drowns our emotions that once taught us how to swim through the great tidal waves.

If and only if we can choose who we fall for,

It’ll be a bit lighter load one can carry.

You’re a one lucky ass if the person you love, loves you back;

With no boundaries and conditions applied.

But reluctantly, we fall for someone whom we have no chance with,

As a matter of fact, we fall for someone whom we thought were the wings that once made us fly.

Flying to the extent that we try to defy gravity, without realizing the huge risk of falling.

But merely as a human having a brain that only works up to 20%,

Who are we to defy gravity?

Who the hell are we to belittle other people’s feelings?

Who the fuck are we to break someone’s heart?

Then I realized,

Who are you to make me think that I can defy gravity?

Who the hell are you to belittle my feelings?

Who the fuck are you to break my heart?

And with those mind bugging questions I kept on asking over and over again,

I came to a conclusion that;

No matter how much we try to defy gravity,

One way or another,

We are all somebody’s heartbreak.

Always will be.

Ten words;

Those ten words that appeared on my screen, well, I don’t know but.. I’m not quite sure if it crushed me or actually hit me; maybe both, I supposed. I was standing on a chaotic place with my feet on the actual ground and my eyes on my dim screen. The moment I actual read it, I felt something. I’m confused if I saw my soul went out of my body or just merely a double of myself that I never knew was there.

I felt like flying, it made me fly, actually. Then suddenly, I hit the ground hardly, I can even feel every bone of my body cracking. Even the blood in veins rushed back to my heart and it made my heart stop for a second; then unawarely made it beat abruptly that I can’t even catch my breath. Peculiarly, I didn’t expect I’d feel that way or shall I say, I didn’t expect that it would affect me the way it did.

Those ten words, well, I chose not to let it affect me, as my mind supposedly shouldn’t care. It shouldn’t matter, right? Then why did it matter? Why does it have this effect on me? Let it sink in for a moment; and maybe, just maybe, realize that it is merely a pseudo emotion and not a facade of what I really feel.

 

I understand, I am trying to understand those ten words.

I told you, be careful what you wish for.

How missing feels like;

Let this be an appreciation write up for the people who made me realize how home felt like, in a raging battlefield.

Yes, being a Physical Therapy student in a known school is quite a challenge; not just a challenge but a battle field. Like any hunger game story, you either gain or lose in the process.

You know what’s the saddest part about this? I may have gained in terms of some things.. but in return I lost a lot of people; they weren’t merely another soldiers fighting the same battle with me , they became my home, my family.

Who would thought that in a crowd of strangers, you’ll meet certain people that clicks with your vibe. From eating streetfoods, to cracky sing alongs, to maoy tagays or ‘even tagay ta kay break time’, to overdose drinking of caffeine, to the little surprises we put effort for the birthday celebrant, to the advices we give each other no matter how stupid it is, to the bullying attitude we share, to our joke time which suddenly becomes a serious talk, to the kawat gang sa bag while we walk on the corridors of our school, to the headaches we give to our teachers everytime we make noise, to the random getaways we indulged ourselves in, or even to the point that we’d rather lose our sleep just to balance the school exams we need to study and the random party nights we get ourselves so wasted.

I mean, after all of those, who wouldn’t feel home?

Despite all the trials we were going through, we managed to laugh it all off. They were the kind of escape I always wanted. The type of escape where in you feel like you took some kind weed, made everything move so slow and laughter is the only sound that is making your head sing. The type of escape where in you feel like you overdose yourself with alcohol, made your feelings so numb and heightened at the same time. And even the type of escape where in you acquaint yourself to a new environment and slowly fall inlove with its culture. They were the type of escape where in you feel heaven and hell at the same time. It made me crazy but it was all worth it.

Change was inevitable and I had to face reality that they weren’t all permanent, physically. They had to leave and run for their dreams, fight their own battles and even find a new home. It took me time to let all of these sink in and to be fucking honest, I am still denial. Denial to the change that I am slowly going through.

They may have left but the footprints they made in me will never do. They may not be here physically but the lessons they taught me unepected will always remain. I might not be able to see them often but their faces will never leave my mind. I’ll probably cry not just because i miss them but because I will always wish that they’re here, experiencing the triumphs and failures we should be going through, together.

One day, some day we will all meet sitting beside each other while taking the board exam or even on a worse case scenario, we will all meet in a club and get wasted together, like we all used to. But as of now, I’m taking it in a positive perspective. We’ll all get through there, to the destinations we all wanted to achieve, to the place we all deserve to be. Let’s show everyone that we are more than what they thought of us. Let’s make our parents proud!

Yes, they were all a pain in the ass but trust me, they were all worth the pain (though I don’t have any ass)

I’ll see you soon, crazy fags!

 

‘Blank:’

I badly want to write. I seriously want to share my thoughts. I needed to let these all out. But I can’t; actually, I don’t know where to start.

It’s too congested; my mind’s too crowded, too noisy.

Too loud that it came to a point that the only sound my mouth can produce is silence.

Too disappointed that I’m reaching to the point that happiness is starting to become a joke.

Too emotional that I have slowly become numb.

But as far as I know, I’m too blank to write this off.

It’s quite sad because even writing can’t even cheer me up anymore.

 

ice cream, anyone?

My TOP 10- Playlist (January – February)

I’d like to share  my top 10 songs that I played on loop for the month of January – February (in no particular order tho)

 

  1. DJ Snake – Middle

2. Zayn Malik – Pillowtalk

3. Alina Baraz & Galimatias – Maybe

4. Oh Wonder – Landslide

5. Gemineyes – Drive

6. Gnash – That One Song

7. The Chainsmokers – Don’t Let Me Down

8. Sam Bruno – Search Party

9. Somo – Ride

10. Yuna ft. Usher – Crush

 

Credits to the video owners. Enjoy!

 

“School Breaks:”

Lectures, exams, case cons, research papers, laboratory practicals; name it all, we’ve been through it all. 

Experiencing long breaks from school without even thinking for the next subject’s exam is such a blessing for us. Actually, we don’t mind having exams every single day; or maybe we already got used to it, it became a routine for us. But having long breaks with nothing to do? Well, that’s quite a surprise for us.

 “PT pa more” that’s what they say.

Let me share the mini-adventure we had during our 3 hours break!

We wandered on the other side of Cebu, Mactan Island (not really the whole island but atleast a small part of it)

A friend of mine gave us the opportunity to taste one  of Mactan’s food specialty, Senyang’s special lumpia! It tasted really good and it was surely affordable. With my 50 pesos, I already had a satisfaction my stomach wanted. 

  

 
  
Since Senyang is located near the miraculous Birhen sa Regla Church, we didn’t miss the opportunity to pay visit on that Church. I can still recall how devoted my parents were. When I was still a kid, they never forget to bring me there during Birhen sa Regla fiesta.  The moment I entered the church, I was feeling nostalgic. Before, I was holding my parents’ hands upon entering inorder for me not to stumble; now, I’m walking on my own. What a big difference, I thought.  I felt really blessed and I’m pretty sure my friends felt the same way. 

  
We spent our remaining hours for some leisure time. We went to The Outlet and had our time wasted by looking for some shoes and as Filipino, karaoke time is a must. 

   
 
  
Then, our 3 hours break is done and we had to snap back to reality. Back to the paperworks and the pressures we have to go through. 

You know what I learned? Sometimes in our life as a student, we all need to have a break, have some fun and make awesome memories, but we should never forget the responsibilities. 

Because after all, growing up is not only learned through the books we read and the lessons we study; but in the experiences and memories we randomly make. 


#TeamMasaya 

“I am exactly where I want to be”

I am exactly where I want to be.

Not in the depths of sorrow nor in the heavens of happiness;

Not at peace with every thing nor chaotic with something;

Not crying an ocean of tears nor laughing a siren of noise;

Not under the world’s failures nor on top of the mountain’s triumph;

Not drowning with my melancholic notions nor floating on my euphoric thoughts;

Not inlove nor out of love.

I am just exactly where I want to be. I am simply contented with what I have, with where I am.

But that wouldn’t mean  I will not strive for more. It would better mean that I appreciate what I have right now; the people who stayed, the memories we created, the victories I gained and even the failures I stumbled upon. I appreciate it all because simply, it made me who I am today. 

I am contented but I will venture for more. I will want for more. I will need for more. 

But as far as I know, I am exactly where I want to be.